scattered thoughts

Am I really going to spend a year in Massachusetts?

I'm not even sure how this happened, but suddenly I have this path laid out in front of me that everyone is encouraging me to take. It feels like fate.

But I can't help feeling like fate is waiting for me here. Like all the magical things happen in the Bay Area. Like if I stray from home again, I may not come back.

When it comes down to it, I am terrified that when I get back, 924 Gilman will be gone. It's a silly, only semi-rational thought, but it bothers me so much. I feel like I'll somehow miss out on all the shows I should have been to, just like I missed out on Davey Havok playing with Ceremony while I was in England. It's stupid, this fear. It's the fear of a little girl waiting for magic to happen, for some perfect dream job to come place itself in my lap.

The job in my lap right now is a near-perfect dream job. I was just complaining about how all my friends are going to be on the East Coast this year, and now is my opportunity to go and be on the same coast as them.

I don't even know what's going to be the deciding factor for me. I hate that I can't be an adult and decide for myself, "This is what I am going to do." Instead I sit around waiting until someone kicks me in the ass in the direction they think I should go in.

And I hate that my father is so open-minded about sexualities, but not about gender. I hate that it's only because he doesn't know any better, and I hate that I'm too lazy or afraid to teach him. Sometimes when he talks with me about how I'm a woman, it brings me to the edge of tears because I feel so utterly frustrated and wrong. And yet I know that if I explained to him that I'm not a woman, nor a man, he would reasonably inform me that no matter what, the world will perceive and label me as a woman. I hate that he's probably right.

I'd rather live in a dream world.