Today was one of those days when you hold your head under the streaming hot water of the shower simply because you irrationally think it will cleanse your mind of its self.
Or maybe you're trying to drown the part of yourself that won't stop thinking.
My thoughts won't stop today. They keep digging holes through every part of my day and scratching against the bone of miserable truth. The truth is that I'm alone and will always be alone.
Maybe it's my friend going through a painful breakup. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so intellectually obsessed with the impossibility of sympathy that I can't forget it like most people can. Maybe it's the fact that Davey Havok has been writing on the subject for years and yet he's still alone. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like someone, if not everyone, should be able to change the truth in the face of its exposure; to force the possibility of sympathy into existence. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like a failure for being so obsessed with other people's lives and relationships, but have done such a poor job of building my own of either.
I've had these panics in the past, where I feel so horribly trapped in my body and I want to get out. So I try to scald it away with hot water. I want to get out. I hate everything about me. And it is only in these horrible, low moments that I ever want to take something. My mind gets so lost in itself that I can't even feel any truth except for my aloneness and loneliness. I feel like taking a magic pill that cures everything because I know that as lonely as I am, it won't get better. Even if I fall in love with somebody and they fall in love with me, I will always be alone. So there is no cure to being alone. There is no cure. But I feel like I want to take that magic pill that cures it all. I'm pretty sure the only magic pill is death.
But I know that tomorrow I'll wake up better. The chemicals in my head are just fucking with me. Sometimes I wish they would go away and stop hurting me, but I know that I would then just be lying to myself, and I hate lying to myself more than anything. It's just hard to keep track of the truth sometimes.
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That's the one thing no one really mentions about being human- the fact that no matter what, you'll always be alone. I'll always be alone. Because there's just no way to meld two people's minds together, thus no way to connect every part of yourself to someone else. There will always be a part of us that can't be touched by anyone else and, even though that can be a good thing, it's still lonely. Sometimes I really enjoy the loneliness, but other times...not so much. Okay, I'm gonna stop here before I just go on and on. One last thing! Scalding hot showers really help, don't they?
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